


normal

by sunsetveins



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Good Boyfriend Magnus Bane, I don't know how to tag this, M/M, Magnus Bane Is A Freewheeling Bisexual, Sexuality, and also deserves to be told he's normal, like being told he's normal and being loved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 18:54:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13464441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetveins/pseuds/sunsetveins
Summary: Alec is fifteen the first time he says it out loud.-5 Times Alec Tells Himself That He's GayAnd 1 Time He Tells Someone Else





	normal

**Author's Note:**

> story time:
> 
> this was brought on because i was very emotional today. someone, an almost friend of mine, told me that being gay was disgusting and that while it was okay for her to "flaunt" her relationships with guys, it wasn't okay for same sex couples to do so. she told me this knowing that i'm bisexual. she then proceeded to imply that same sex couples would always end up cheating on each other if they had friends of the same sex as well as a partner. i've been called a lot of names, told to die many times just for who i like, and looked at like i'm no better than dirt on the bottom of someone's shoes, but i've never been as angry as i was today. the difference is that i didn't personally know those people who said those things to me. i didn't care about them prior to them being hateful. i cared this time. this is a product of my caring. 
> 
> it has nothing to do with what happened today. that isn't the plot. this is about acceptance. i hope you enjoy it.

_1: the first time_

 

Alec is fifteen the first time he says it out loud.

“I’m gay,” he whispers to himself. Izzy had brought in a full length mirror earlier that day, insistent that Alec let her dress him and that they absolutely needed the mirror for her to do so. He’s sat on the floor now, staring at his reflection. It’s nearly 2 in the morning and he couldn’t sleep. “I like boys. I don’t like girls. That’s okay.”

He’s never told anyone this, and he doesn’t believe he’ll ever get the chance. Right now, staring into his own bloodshot eyes and being faced with his own very genuine relief once the words leave his mouth, he thinks that might just be okay. As long as he can be honest with himself, he believes he can stomach lying to everyone else. Even if he has to do it for the rest of his life. 

“I’m gay and that’s okay,” he repeats to himself. Some of the tension drains from his body and he blinks tiredly. “I’m gay and that’s okay.”

 

-

 

_2: brothers_

 

It turns out that the relief Alec gets from being honest with himself is a short lived affair.

It lasts about a year, if even that. He repeats the words to himself each night, only able to fall asleep when he’s said it enough that the dirty, itchy feeling of _wrong_ slips away and he can finally quiet his mind. He’d thought he could live like this. He thought it would be easy. It only seemed to get harder every day.

The day he realizes that he might have a crush on Jace is the day he finally admits that being honest with himself is not enough, that it isn’t even really true. He might tell himself that it’s okay that he’s gay, but he certainly isn’t acting like those words are the truth. He doesn’t really feel like they are.

Jace asks him if he likes any girls, casually pointing out the one's he thinks are pretty and _isn’t that brunette gorgeous, brother?_

_Brother. Brotherbrotherbrotherbrother._

He smiles, hoping it actually looks like a smile, and pretends it doesn’t feel like he’s been stabbed. He nods slowly, eyes flickering from the floor to Jace’s bright smile. He feels like he’s been set on fire, and the hand Jace places on his shoulder is the match. This is the first time Alec thinks that he’d burn to death with a smile on his face if it meant Jace would be happy.

“She’s pretty,” Alec chokes out, eyes burning as he tries to swallow the lump in his throat. “Maybe you should talk to her?”

Jace grins, fingers digging into Alec’s shoulder. “Or maybe you should. Come on, Alec. You’ve never even looked at a girl. It’s not normal, man. You need somebody. Maybe then you won’t be so tense all the time!”

Jace is teasing him. Alec knows that he is, can see it in the way Jace is looking at him and hear it in his voice. He knows Jace doesn’t mean anything by it, because he doesn’t know. There’s no way that he could. There’s no reason to be upset.

He knows all of this, but the only thing that’s running through his head is _it’snotnormalyouaren’tnormalsotenseallthetimeit’snotnormal._

_Not normal. Not normal. Notnormal._

_Not okay._

Jace lets go of his shoulder and takes a careful step back, eyes searching Alec’s face with clear worry. Alec hadn’t realized that he’d stopped breathing until he starts gasping. The burn in his chest had only felt like the burning in the rest of his body. He hadn’t noticed a difference. 

The tears sting in his eyes, but he refuses to cry. He blinks rapidly and stumbles back, his stomach turning and his mind racing. _Notnormalnotnormalnotnormal._

“Alec?” Jace takes a step forward towards him, but freezes when Alec takes three stumbling steps away in response. “You okay?”

“I -” Alec shakes his head, closing his eyes tightly. “I have to go. I’m sorry.”

He runs as far away from Jace as he can get, ending up outside his own bedroom door. He collapses as soon as he steps into the room, body already shaking with the force of his sobs. 

“I’m gay and that’s okay,” he mumbles, winding his arms around his knees. “I’m gay and that’s okay. I’m gay and that’s okay. I’m gay and that’s okay.”

Alec breathes in and out shakily. His entire body hurts. 

The mirror is still in the corner of his room, forgotten there ever since Izzy had dragged it in that day. Alec glances over at it, at himself. 

“I’m normal,” he says, staring intently at his reflection. “I am normal. There is nothing wrong with me.”

He almost believes it. 

 

-

 

 _3: marriage_

 

He doesn’t realize that it gets worse than being infatuated with your best friend until his parents bring up marriage for the first time. He doesn’t know why it hadn’t occurred to him before then that he’d be expected to marry a woman, to have kids with her and build onto the Lightwood legacy. He doesn’t know why it surprises him, but it does. 

He spits his drink all over the table. 

“Alec!” his mother gasps, looking absolutely horrified. His father is no better, harsh eyes showing his clear disapproval. They soften just slightly when he glances over at Isabelle, who is giggling into her palm.

“I’m sorry. I just - _what?”_

Maryse straightens in her chair, face carefully blank. “I asked if you’ve put any thought into which girl you’re going to marry, Alec. You’re nearly 18. It’s time you start thinking about your future and your duties.”

Robert nods along with her and adds, “Especially if you’re going to be Head of the Institute someday. You’d be more valuable with a strong woman by your side.”

The temperature seems to have dropped, but Alec appears to be the only one that’s taken any notice. It feels like even his blood is frozen in his veins. 

“No,” he says suddenly, the word tumbling out of his mouth before he can even process it. It repeats like a broken record in his head.

 _“No?”_ Maryse asks, voice cold and detached. Alec’s thoughts screech to a halt as he replays the last thirty seconds in his head. He pales.

“I just - I mean, I haven’t?” Alec shakes his head. “No, I haven’t thought about marriage.”

Maryse relaxes slightly, but her gaze is critical. 

“Well then,” she says, “I suggest you start.”

It’s the end of the conversation for now. That’s made clear when Maryse rises from the table and Robert quickly follows, both of them exiting the room. Alec’s heart doesn’t stop pounding, and the ringing in his ears doesn’t quiet.

“Are you okay, Alec?” Isabelle asks, settling her hand on Alec’s shoulder. 

Alec nods and stands, smiling as best he can. “I’m fine. I think I might go lay down for a bit, okay?”

He’s out of the room before she can respond, but he makes his way to the training room instead of his bedroom. It’s only once he’s drenched in sweat and his knuckles are bleeding that he rests his head on the punching bag in front of him and takes a breath.

“I’m gay and that’s okay,” he mutters, eyes closed. He doesn’t see Isabelle standing in the entryway, skin pale and a haunted expression painted across her face. “I’m gay and that’s okay. I’m normal.”

 

-

 

 _4: pretty boy_

 

Clary Fray is the brand new annoyance in Alec’s life by the time he’s 23. She appears out of nowhere and destroys his carefully constructed facade without a care or thought. He’s tried so hard to be the perfect son, had even convinced himself that as long as he played the loyal soldier then he’d never have to face the topic of marriage to a _“strong woman”_ again. It had been working as far as Alec was concerned. He donned a cold soldier's mask during the day, played the part he was born to play, and reminded himself of the truth when he was alone, and only when he was alone. He pushed his feelings for Jace as far away as he could possibly push them, even managing to forget they were even there from time to time. He pleased his parents, protected his sister, and did his best to be what he was required to be. 

Then came Clary Fray, and suddenly none of his hard work mattered anymore. She managed to make a mess of his life at every opportunity, from turning his parabatai against him to sabotaging his missions. Clary Fray and her hopeless best friend were determined to fulfill their purposes in life, which were evidently to ruin Alec’s.

This is only further proven when Alec meets Magnus Bane, which is entirely Clary’s fault.

He’s beautiful, is the thing. Magnus Bane is gorgeous and the sight of him causes Alec’s heart to stutter and his palms to sweat. He can’t breathe properly. He tells himself it’s the adrenaline. He knows he’s lying.

Their introduction is brief, but their next meeting is anything but. 

“Pretty boy, get your team ready,” Magnus says. Jace starts to move, but Magnus stops him and pushes him back.

“I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to _you.”_

He’s looking at Alec, pointing at him. The smile that appears on Alec’s face is brief, but uncontrollable. He does his best to shrug when Jace looks at him, but there’s too much happening in his head to do a good job at pretending.

Magnus was talking about him. Magnus _saw_ him.

For the first time, someone saw him. 

He rides this high until they summon the demon and Jace’s face flashes in front of everyone. Everything goes wrong after that and he quickly decides to push it all away. 

Magnus may have seen him, but Alec has responsibilities. He has to keep up this facade. He has to push these feelings away, whatever they may be. He’s worked too hard to let Clary Fray screw it up for him.

He’s already let the mask settle over his face when Magnus walks towards him.

“You have nothing to be ashamed of, Alec,” he says. Alec’s heart is pounding, but he doesn’t let it show.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

There’s something knowing in Magnus’ eyes and it unsettles Alec, causes his skin to crawl in the worst of ways. It terrifies him, he realizes. He’s terrified of anyone knowing what he’s only ever shared with his reflection.

_I’m gay and that’s okay. I’m normal._

“You will.”

 

-

 

_5: enough_

 

He’s about to marry Lydia Branwell.

Everything is golden and he’s about to marry Lydia Branwell.

Alec thinks he might be sick.

He hadn’t actually thought they’d get to this point, if he’s being honest, but he knows that it’s his fault. He proposed to her, he turned Magnus away at every turn, and he’s the reason they’re both standing at this altar ready to marry for the sake of duty and not love.

This is all his fault and he’s about to pay for it for the rest of his life.

He thinks he might be ready, might be able to pull this off. He’s just convinced himself of this when Magnus walks through the doors, looking like every dream Alec never allowed himself to have. He looks like hope, happiness, a life where honesty is something Alec doesn’t have to have only with himself. He looks like the promise of love and laughter and a loyalty that doesn’t leave behind an unsettlingly wrong feeling. He’s beautiful.

“I can’t breathe,” Alec gasps.

Lydia is smiling. “I know, it’s okay.”

“I can’t do this. I thought we were doing the right thing, but this isn’t it.”

He can’t focus, not when there doesn’t seem to be enough air and Magnus is standing so perfectly still with Maryse glaring at him just a few feet away. Lydia reassures him, and he’s thankful for her in ways he never thought he would be. 

He takes a step down, away from Lydia, and stares. 

_I’m gay and that’s okay._

His mother is staring at him.

_I’m gay and that’s okay._

Jace is behind him. So is Izzy.

_I’m gay and that’s okay._

There are Clave members in this room, judging his every move.

_I’m gay and that’s okay._

He starts walking.

“Alec, what are you doing - ”

“Enough,” he says firmly.

_I’m gay and that’s okay._

He pulls Magnus in and kisses him. He’s never felt so right in his entire life. 

_I’m gay and that’s okay._

 

-

 

_+1: the first time_

 

“I’m gay,” Alec says. Magnus smiles.

“Good to know, Alexander. I’m bi.”

Alec blinks and tilts his head, something almost like a smile on his face. “Huh. Wow.”

“What?” 

Alec shakes his head. “I’ve never said it to anyone else before. Anytime I imagined it, the response definitely wasn’t that.”

Magnus gets that look on his face that Alec can only describe as fond amusement and it causes his whole body to warm. He didn’t know it could be like this.

“You’ve never told anyone that you’re gay?” Magnus asks hesitantly, the fond amusement fading to something more akin to shock, but not quite.

“No. I thought it would be easier to just be honest with myself and only myself. I had responsibilities and expectations. I had to be _normal - ”_ Alec stops himself, shutting his eyes and biting down on the inside of his cheek. Magnus steps close to him, taking his hand and intertwining their fingers. 

It’s dark out and the night air is slightly colder than Alec had been expecting when he’d stepped out onto Magnus’ balcony. He hopes Magnus assumes his flushed cheeks are from the cold.

“You’re normal, Alexander,” Magnus sighs, squeezing Alec’s hand. “It’s a shame you ever believed otherwise. You’re gay, and that’s perfectly okay, darling. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Not anymore.”

If Magnus is a dream, Alec never wants to wake up. He wants to remain right where he is - with Magnus’ fingers intertwined with his and more emotions settled in the air between them than they could possibly sort through - for the rest of his life. He wants to be normal with Magnus forever.

“You’re normal, too,” is his brilliant reply when he finally opens his mouth. Magnus laughs, and it’s the most beautiful sound Alec thinks he’s ever heard. 

“Thank you, darling. I appreciate that.”

Instead of possibly embarrassing himself further, Alec simply smiles. It’s small, gentle in ways Alec never thought he’d be allowed to be, and he hopes it tells Magnus everything he doesn’t know how to say right now.

It must, because Magnus squeezes his hand once before he tugs him forward into a kiss. 

He might’ve lied to himself. He wants to kiss Magnus for the rest of his life, if only so he can feel this right forever.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, hope you liked it :)
> 
> ps please remember to always be kind and tolerant. there's no room for more hate in this world than there already is. xx


End file.
